


Austenmail

by sophieisgod



Category: Austenland - All Media Types
Genre: Epistolary, Gen
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2014-12-20
Updated: 2014-12-20
Packaged: 2018-03-02 09:52:22
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,252
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/2808185
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/sophieisgod/pseuds/sophieisgod
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>I have now attained the true art of letter-writing, which we are always told, is to express on paper exactly what one would say to the same person by word of mouth.</p>
            </blockquote>





	Austenmail

**Author's Note:**

  * For [Skogkatt](https://archiveofourown.org/users/Skogkatt/gifts).



**From:** darcyinthelake@gmail.com  
 **To:** charming@austenland.net  
 **Subject:** Re: New website!!!

My dear Lizzy,

Wow. Wow!

You were right, you were right, I throw my hands up; I think the animated blue tits really set the whole thing off. And I love the cherubs! And the lambs.

I’m going to tell Steve at Sensuous Travel to check out the new site; I swear to god he’s still showing people that Wattlesbrook video and the world needs to know there’s been a takeover! A takeover featuring lots of cotton candy and dancing Regency hunks.

Henry says to tell you that he thinks the slideshow showcasing the male servants and their ~attributes is especially canny marketing.

We’ll be back on your side of the pond just as soon as we can, hopefully when Henry’s on spring break.

Tally ho!

Yours,

Jane

attached: hot_in_herre.mp3

 

—

 

 **From:** darcyinthelake@gmail.com  
 **To:** charming@austenland.net  
 **Subject:** Thank you, Santa!

Merry Christmas Lizzy!!

Thank you so much for our gifts! I hope you enjoyed your ostrich feathers and the awful needlepoint. I’m working my way up – in a few years you can expect an awful tapestry of you surrounded by a harem of worshipful men.

The corset, I think it’s fair to say, has been a resounding success. Henry didn’t complain at all about having to help lace me into the thing, funnily enough, in fact he practically fell over himself to volunteer. It’s been a while since he saw the girls displayed to such effect; he almost went cross-eyed. 

“I’d forgotten. . .”

When I told him that I used to keep my cellphone in there the first time we were at Austenland, he looked thoughtful for a moment, and then said, “Do you know, it wouldn’t be so bad to be back there if you could smuggle in my Kindle.”

Reader, I swooned. *sarcasm* *not actually entirely sarcasm, because corsets are tight*

(Also, Henry wants me to qualify that he means ‘back there at Austenland as run by Mrs Wattlesbrook, who is terrible,’ and not ‘back there at Miss Charming’s Austenland Experience as run by Miss Charming, whom we love.’)

THE BONNET IS A VISION. I love love love it, and I think you’ll agree Henry is most fetching in it. Look at him batting those eyelashes! He swears he’s not an actor but the man’s a total ham. A Christmas ham.

What are you doing for New Year’s? If it’s something outrageous, please take lots of pictures.

All our love,

Jane

attached: henrybonnetswoon.jpg

 

—

 

 **From:** darcyinthelake@gmail.com  
 **To:** charming@austenland.net  
 **Subject:** Re: YOUTUBE

Yes, yes, a thousand times yes! You should DEFINITELY make a web series. Start immediately. Don’t let the Colonel hog your spotlight.

 

—

 

 **From:** darcyinthelake@gmail.com   
**To:** charming@austenland.net  
 **Subject:** Re: Fartwright

INCREDIBLE. At least she’s offering to pay for the damages? And replace the swans.

I almost feel kind of sorry for her, you know. She definitely didn’t expect her husband to live this long. She probably could do with a little escapist joy in her life, and you provide that. You, and George East’s oiled-up torso.

That said, *fart noise*

 

—

 

 **From:** futurenobleys@gmail.com   
**To:** charming@austenland.net  
 **Subject:** Save the Date

Dearest, loveliest Elizabeth,

Yes, we’re sending out actual cards (my god, the embossing!), but you get the e-card as well because Henry doesn’t trust the mail in the UK since they sold it off.

“Belt and braces,” he said, as if that were a thing, and completely refused to be shamed for his ridiculousness.

Anyway, now that you’ve had the chance to tell one of those gorgeous men to stop fanning you long enough to make a note of the date – done it yet? Is he back? Okay, good – I can ask you what I’ve been dying to ask you: please, please will you be in the wedding party?

Molly’s little girl Emily is going to be the flower girl, and Molly is going to be mainly crying (she said she wouldn’t, but she was tearing up already), and there’s no one else in the world I’d rather have there to rearrange my boobs and tease my hair and steal a gown for me (I’m barely kidding. Weddings are expensive!).

I’m so excited for you to meet Molly! At a wedding! Two of my all-time favourite people together and wearing amazing hats.

We’ve already agreed that there definitely _won’t _be a Regency theme. Honestly I think Henry wouldn’t care (and he knows he looks damn fine in a cravat), but I sort of want to be absolutely definitely sure on the day that it’s real and I didn’t hallucinate it.__

__When I said as much to Henry, he did the thing where he stares earnestly into my eyes and says this is our real life and it’s better than any fantasy, and it was wonderful, so I groaned obnoxiously and then kissed him, obviously._ _

__Anyway we’re going to have it in the gardens at the university, which are gorgeous, and they gave us a discount because of Henry teaching there. I’m marrying a sexy British history professor and it’s somewhat cost-effective! At moments like these I tell myself Austen would be proud of my practicality. Then I make Henry put on his cravat._ _

__Don’t forget to RSVP!_ _

__Love,  
 Jane_ _

__P.S. What do you think of the Official Wedding Email address? Isn’t it cheesy? Turns out Jane and Henry are such generic names that any possible combination has already been snapped up!_ _

__

__—_ _

__

__**From:** darcyinthelake@gmail.com  
 **To:** charming@austenland.net  
 **Subject:** ARGH_ _

__Why are we getting married?? Why does anyone ever get married?? Why does anyone have aunts???_ _

__I actually hope Wattlesbrook follows through on her threat/RSVP and shows up at the wedding. I do, I hope she flounces up in full Wattlesbrook regalia so I can grit my teeth and glow serenely while I sincerely thank her for getting Henry and I together._ _

__(Another arena in which I may require your assistance come the big day: bronzer)_ _

__Any plans for revenge/sabotage etc are, as ever, more than welcome. You are my favourite plotter <3_ _

__ARGH,_ _

__Jane_ _

__

__—_ _

__

__**From:** darcyinthelake@gmail.com  
 **To:** charming@austenland.net  
 **Subject:** Re: Bachelorette Party_ _

__Well played, Miss Charming. Well played._ _

__If you don’t see me at the wedding, it’s because I died. Please rehydrate my corpse before anyone sees me, and tell Henry I loved him._ _

__

__—_ _

__

__**From:** darcyinthelake@gmail.com  
 **To:** charming@austenland.net  
 **Subject:** Just Married_ _

__To the charming Miss Charming,_ _

__One last email from the airport and then I will go, because HONEYMOON._ _

__I met you at an airport, do you remember? Don’t worry, I’m not going to cry._ _

__I never really understood why anyone would be scared of flying. The swoop of takeoff always gave me such a thrill, and when I met you I knew you were the same way. You were so full of life and you chased the things you wanted and you didn’t give a shit, and you brought that out in me, and I’m so happy now because of it._ _

__You’ve been amazing through all of this wedding business. When Britain makes it legal for you to marry all of your harem at once I’ll try my best to do the same for you._ _

__Anyway, I’m going, I’m going, they’re calling our flight, I love you, Henry is pointedly tapping his foot and staring at his watch and I’m married to the least cool man in the world._ _

__Tally ho!_ _

__Jane_ _


End file.
